Sleep
by ScarletEmpress2017
Summary: Keith has always been a bit of an insomniac... [Cover image by tumblr user drisrt]
1. Then

He couldn't sleep.

Keith rolled over again, trying to get comfortable in the- _his_ bed. No such luck. He tossed and turned for a few moments more in a fruitless attempt to fall asleep. Finally, he gave up and sat upright. He sighed, rubbing his face. He was so, so tired; yet sleep would not come. He stared ahead at the basic appearance of the room. It was too _dull_ , too _grey_. It reminded him of the Garrison. He stared at it a few moments longer before getting up. He padded softly over to the closet. He eyed the soft nightgown on the rack. He thought better of it and pulled on his shoes before moving towards the door. He carefully glided through the hall, hoping no-one would notice his excursion. When he met the door he was looking for, he quietly knocked twice. After nothing happened for a few moments, he tensed to turn away, only to hear the sound of the door opening.

"Keith? What are you doing?"

Keith looked up at Shiro, his usual indignance gone. It was instead replaced by a heavy despondence that Shiro recognized.

"You wanna come in?"

Keith didn't answer, but stepped in nonetheless. Shiro looked on, noting that his best friend looked something akin to a zombie. His movements lacked his usual effortless grace and his eyes were ridiculously tired. Shiro closed the door and gave Keith a stern look.

"Alright, what's wrong?"

"Can't sleep."

Shiro eyed his companion with worry, Allura and Coran had drilled them through training from the depths hell for hours straight. If that didn't tire him out enough to sleep, something was definitely wrong.

"Why not?"

Keith looked down at the floor like it had the answers to everything, but Shiro saw the younger boy's face tinge pink.

"Keith?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Its just that… We're who knows how far away from Earth and…"

"And?

" _AndIkindaforgotPolarisathome,_ " he hissed in one breath

It took Shiro a moment to make sense of that. Polaris. Suddenly Shiro was brought back to his childhood, watching four-year-old Keith stare out at the streets.

"Keith, it's getting late." Takashi called. "Mama says you should take a nap."

The younger boy shook his head at the idea. Takashi turned to his elder twin with a look of dismay. The elder boy sighed and took a turn.

"Keith, you can't stay up all night."

"Yes I can," the toddler countered, not tearing his eyes away from the window.

The twins shared a look of confusion before the elder moved forward and tried again. Keith was not having any of it and very soon, a full-blown argument was happening. Takashi quickly shuffled up the stairs to his room and pulled a box out from under his bed. He looked down at the stuffed brown bear. He took it and scurried back out. He bumped into someone on his way down.

"Aniki, what's all the noise?"

The youngest in the Shirogane household stared up at her older brother, trying to rub the sleep from her eyes.

"Its nothing Aguri, go back to sleep."

"Okay."

He watched carefully as his dark-haired sister tumbled back into her room before rushing back down the stairs. He found his brother and his friend were now rolling on the floor, pushing and shoving one another pretty violently.

"Ryou, knock it off!" he hissed

"He started it!" the older twin hissed back.

The two finally disentangled themselves and Keith immediately moved back to the window. Sitting in the too-big chair he stared out at the empty street yet again with stubborn determination.

"Keith, you know your dad has to work," Shiro said gently.

"And I'm gonna wait 'til he comes back."

"I give up! Good-night!" Ryou hissed as he ambled off to sleep.

"Bye," Keith returned curtly.

Keith never looked away from the window, waiting for the familiar face to walk up the sidewalk. Takashi sighed as he walked up to him.

"Keith, I have something for you."

"What is it?"

"Look and see."

The toddler turned and craned his neck to see. When the bear caught his eye, Takashi didn't miss the way they lit up at the sight. Takashi moved closer and held out the bear.

"This is Polaris, he used to help me look out for stars, so I thought you might need his help to look out for your dad."

"I don't need help," Keith responded indignantly.

But he eagerly took the bear anyway. It was soft, and he leaned against it as his eyelids slowly grew heavier, and finally sleep became too strong for him to fight off. He slept soundly with the bear cradling his head.

"You still kept that?" Shiro asked.

Keith couldn't hide his face turning scarlet red.

"It… It made sleeping a little easier… After I left the Garrison."

 _After you disappeared._

Shiro didn't need to hear more. He sat back down in his bed and lifted the covers in invitation.

"C'mon, it'll be like when we were little."

After a few moment's deliberation, Keith yanked off his shoes and fell onto the bed. I was a bit off a squeeze, they weren't as small as they used to be, but it worked. Suddenly, he was back at Shiro's old house, in Shiro's bed. He could almost hear Ryou's snoring on the other side of the room, almost see the glowing star-stickers on the ceiling.

"Good-night Keith," Shiro whispered.

"Good-night, Taka."

Keith closed his eyes, the silence and stillness of space overshadowed by the sound of Shiro's breathing. For so long, after so much time alone in the Garrison and in the desert. He found that up in space, among the lonely stars for company,

He wasn't alone.


	2. Now

He couldn't sleep.

He rolled around in his bed, wanting sleep to take him. Just drag him away from the living nightmare that was his life. Maybe take him back to the house he vaguely remembers growing up in, to see his tired father, struggling to keep up with his energetic child. Maybe the orphanage he spent too many nights in, wondering if this would be his life now. Maybe even drag him back to the streets he remembers too well, where nights were bone-chilling cold and fighting was the only way to survive. He finally gives up, knowing sleep will not come to ease his suffering tonight. He slips out from under his sheets, stumbling almost drunkenly and not even bothering to find his shoes.

He softly wanders through the hallway, knowing his path like he knows Jowaka's controls, having walked it many times before. His mind knows this time will end differently, but his heart clings onto the empty hope. Though he knows for a fact he shouldn't.

He opens the door and he isn't shocked, already knowing what is and isn't there. But he can't stop his heart from dropping like a stone, or dread from tying his gut in knots. Again he stumbles, his usual coordination having abandoned him, and falls into the bed that shouldn't be empty. He should've woken someone and they would've glared but welcomed him anyway. Memories that have no right coming to mind invade his senses. Laughs that should make him smile now taunt him, and he shudders as he pushes them away. As he bundles up the sheets in his arms he can't help but count in his mind.

 _1... 2… 3…_

This makes three. This would be the third time Shiro has left him behind. He finds himself lost as he thinks back to just before his life went to hell. He must've been about six years old. Shiro would've been ten…

"Why are you looking at me like that Takashi?" Keith asked.

"Its nothing," Takashi answered just a bit too quickly

"I thought you weren't supposed to lie."

The older boy sighed, knowing the jig was up. He looks up at the night sky, looking for strength before speaking again.

"My mom's job is making her move."

"So?"

"Keith, the rest of us are going with her."

The younger boy looked like he'd been slapped in the face. He felt like he might as well have been. His mouth fell open and his eyes went wide. His chin began to tremble in a way the other was too familiar with.

"Why?"

"We can't let Mama go alone-"

" _I_ don't wanna be alone!" Keith shouted.

The sudden outburst had stunned the elder to silence. Takashi didn't know what to say. The silence became too much and Keith began to cry. His sobs wracked his small body and Takashi was stunned to stillness. It took a lot to make Keith cry, and he'd never meant for this to happen.

"I'm sorry…"

The apology did little to placate the younger boy, but his weeping seemed to temper, if only a little.

"Please don't go…" he begged meekly.

There was nothing Takashi could do. His best friend would be stuck while he and his family left for somewhere new. He hugged Keith completely at a loss for what to do.

Keith swallowed at the memory, not wanting that scar to be cut anew. Then he remembered the Garrison. It had been six months into the Kerberos mission when he'd gotten the news. Shiro and his crew were dead.

"What?"

"You heard me cadet, we lost all communications and the equipment isn't sending in reports. We've held out hope for over three months. I'm sorry."

Keith's world felt like it was crumbling down around his ears. Shiro was dead. Shiro. Was _dead_. What was he going to do? His brother and best friend was dead, on some worthless ice moon millions of miles away and there was absolutely _nothing_ he could do. He held on to the discipline the streets and the Garrison had taught him as he silently thanked the officer before breaking down when he left. What would he tell Sungmo? And Samchon? Aguri and Ryou would be devastated. But all of those worries paled in comparison to the bleak reality that Shiro was never coming home. He crashed hard to the floor like his reality did. His body hit the floor but he kept on falling; down, down, down, in an endless spiral.

They buried an empty casket.

They had no way to retrieve his body, likely frozen on some dead moon at the edge of the solar system. He sat in numbness as Megumi and Seiji Shirogane cried in each other's arms, as Aguri cried on his shoulder, as Ryou stood on a podium, struggling to say the eulogy of his twin he had painstakingly written. He stared without feeling as the priest threw dirt on the empty wooden box, as the box was lowered, as people left flowers for the person who should've at least lain there. When he finally woke from his catatonic daze, he realized he was the only one there. He looked down at the grave, the name on the headstone stabbing him again and again. He wanted desperately to say something, anything but the words on his mind would not leave his tongue, so he said nothing. He found himself staring at the mocking slab of polished marble for a long time. When he found the strength to pull away, four words finally escaped the mangled cage that was his broken heart.

"You promised this time."

Keith rolled over and shoved his face into the pillow, shoving the agonizing memory to the back of his mind. But that allowed the new memories to bubble up to the forefront of his mind. Black's cockpit, Shiro's Bayard in it's activation slot… but no Shiro. It was worse than any of the terrible fates Keith's mind had conjured up in those terrifying moments before rushing up to Black. Shiro half-dead and bleeding out would've been less horrifying then that empty seat. He was gone. It was like Kerberos all over again.

He lay still, trying to will his overactive mind to settle, if not for sleep then for some peace's sake. His whole body was shaking. Not from cold, but from the silent sobs that made his bones ache. The silence made his ears ring. He thought he was finally used to outer space; but he thought wrong. He was used to outer space with Shiro. But now…

Now he was all alone.


End file.
